In a recent Instagram post, Danielle Boudreau, a children’s book author and mom of two, shared six sincere thoughts she says she could tell her husband if she knew they wouldn’t offend him. Framing her post with care, she clarified, “My husband and I have actually talked through every single thing in here. This isn’t a husband-bashing post. I love my husband, our relationship and our family dynamic. This is just me being honest. Because even in a strong, supportive partnership… motherhood can still feel heavy and inequitable.”
Boudreau’s post walks through moments that may seem mundane but are emotionally charged. “My instinctive feeling when you start feeling sick is not sympathy. It’s ‘Are you joking? I don’t have time for this’,” she wrote, before adding, “It makes me feel angry when I’m scrambling to get out the door, and you’re sitting on the couch relaxing instead of also scrambling.”
She admitted how food planning becomes a flashpoint: “When I ask what you want for supper, and you say ‘anything,’ but then comment, ‘spaghetti again?’ it makes me want to throw the box of spaghetti at you.” Parenting dynamics surface repeatedly, too: “It makes me feel jealous and resentful when you get to relax and watch TV with our oldest while I chase around our toddler.”
DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.
Night-time caregiving adds another layer: “When the baby wakes up in the night, and you don’t offer to go, I feel pissed. Even though I want to go myself, I still want you to wake up and offer. Suffer with me.” Even privacy feels unequal, she added: “It irritates me when you go to the bathroom without interruption for like 20 minutes, and I can’t even change my tampon without both kids banging on the door.”
She summed it up with striking honesty: “Sometimes, I feel frustrated that I’m the default parent. I wish you’d feel what it’s like so you understand. But then again, I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
Why do everyday, seemingly small moments trigger such intense emotional responses in long-term relationships?
Gurleen Baruah, existential analyst and organisational psychologist at That Culture Thing, tells indianexpress.com, “In long-term relationships, it is rarely about the meal or the rest itself. These moments happen in invisible, repetitive spaces. There is no applause for showing up daily, for cooking, caregiving, or managing life when someone is unwell.”
Over time, she adds that this sameness can quietly build fatigue. “From an existential lens, these moments touch deeper questions: Am I seen? Does my effort matter? Is anyone carrying this with me? When such needs go unmet, small decisions become emotional flashpoints because they carry years of unspoken exhaustion and longing for recognition,” notes Baruah.
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How being the ‘default parent’ affects mental health and relationship satisfaction
Often, one partner, usually the mother, holds the whole picture in her mind. Even when the other partner helps, the mental load still falls to one person. “Over time, this becomes exhausting. It creates frustration, not because help is missing, but because the thinking never stops. This constant mental work can quietly affect mood, patience, and closeness in the relationship,” states Baruah.
Healthier ways for couples to communicate resentment and unmet emotional needs
Baruah says, “First, accept that resentment happens. When emotions rise, slow the moment down. Take a breath before reacting. Try to speak about how something feels, not about what the other person is doing wrong. Be clear about needs instead of hoping the other person will guess.”
“Avoiding or withdrawing may feel easier, but it slowly creates distance. Honest conversations, done gently, keep relationships alive,” concludes the expert.
DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.
